“Have you ever believed that it’s just not your day
Like the world is against you
You know we’ve all felt that way
So far away from my home
And everything that I love
But as long as I’m breathing, baby, I can’t complain
‘Cause I dont get everything I want
It doesn’t turn out the just way I thought it all should be
Baby, I can’t complain
No more wasting my time looking in the mirror
Wishing my life was a little bit clearer
No way, baby, I can’t complain…”
Complain – David Archuleta
I am too fed up with the inevitably accepted saying that goes “We can’t have everything” or that “Life is unfair” or whatever it is that people say in order to justify our dissatisfaction, disappointments, and shortcomings in life. Do we really have to suffer all the time just so we can savor a little bit of bliss that will be gone in a short while? Why are people somehow being programmed with the idea that we gotta have bad days so we can appreciate the good ones? I have so many mind-boggling questions that might raise the eyebrows of those who claim as if they’ve figured out everything about living in this world.
Actually, my point is that aren’t we allowed to seize each moment and try to make our days happy as much as possible?… I probably sound too shallow right now. I have forgotten how to organize my thoughts and intricately express it in the manner of writing. I apologize to anyone who’s reading this if it’s plain chaotic nonsense.
Today wasn’t really a bad day. I have managed to teach all of my classes with ease and there is a smooth flow of discussion somehow (or so I think). But still, I was feeling a bit down because I missed the rare opportunity to meet one of the most acclaimed actors from my home country or at least bond with fellow fans who share the same interests. Maybe the universe is not really conspiring in my favor. Last week, I have been hoping for my schedule to be in accordance with my plans and yet it just happened that I have a lot on my plate for this specific date. I tried my chances, though, by asking if there’s any way I could exchange a few classes with any other teacher in order to make it to the movie premiere + M&G but then they said that no one is available to do that. I don’t intend to sound unfair by trying to skip work just so I can attend to that event which is deemed as superficial by most people who have a neutral appreciation for art and artists. It’s just that I really miss fangirling, supporting my favorites, and being with people who understand my likes and dislikes well enough because we have similarities.
Lately, I’ve been feeling as if I’m being swamped up with work every day. Don’t get me wrong, I know I only work for a few hours each day and I only have one actual day-off in a week. I have realized that it’s a bit difficult to do a lot of things or visit other places when you have an evening or a broken schedule (eg. classes in the morning, free time in the afternoon, classes in the evening). Again, as I have said in my other blog post, I am situated in a province that’s at least 2 hours away from the city plus there’s limited types of public transportation which is not really available 24/7 which makes it more restraining for me. It’s as if you have no other option but to just get up, eat, do some errands, watch the time, think and prepare for your lessons, and then work. It is starting to feel monotonous and that is what I’ve been trying to avoid with my life. I never thought it would be like this.
I am just 22 years old, yet I truly feel pressured to act mature enough and be a responsible adult just like everyone else around me. What have I gotten myself into? It’s so hard to maintain the balance of enjoying my youth and having everything under control. I always feel anxious that I must have everything secured for the future. I must perform in my job here well, I must stay healthy, I must save up, I must do a lot of things all at once. I don’t know how other people see or think about me, but I really feel so pressured to already be financially stable by this time since I have this privilege to work abroad. Why do my fellow countrymen automatically associate working overseas with wealthiness? It pains me a little when my friends/relatives tend to be surprised when I tell them I don’t have a lot of savings yet or tease me that I should treat them all when I go back. My salary is indeed higher than what they could offer back home, but then I am still struggling to juggle all the bills, needs, and the money I’m sending to my family.
For this reason, I am oftentimes battling myself as to whether I should spend some money for what I want to buy or do. It adds up to the fact that I could not enjoy so much. I simply don’t want to waste my time, my youth, and my freedom. They said that in life, you really have to make a lot of sacrifices. Why are we sacrificing a lot anyway? I am starting to doubt if all of the things I’ve been missing out on are worth it in the long run.
Anyway, this could probably be just another excruciating symptom of homesickness. People might judge me for this and say that I should stop complaining… I get their point. Who am I to complain? I have been dreaming and longing for an opportunity to live/study/work abroad. Not everyone gets the chance to do so. I am eternally grateful for all of the blessings. I just hope I’ll be able to achieve that work & life balance that I have been yearning for.
R2-D2 