“I feel like my heart is stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, I’m under pressure ’cause I can’t have you the way that I want
Let’s just go back to the way it was…” (Honeymoon Avenue – Ariana Grande)
My aunt, who’s an established OFW for so many years, gave me a piece of advice regarding my life here in abroad: “Give yourself at least 100 days to adjust. Then that’s when you can weigh if you can do it or not.” To be honest, I just shrugged it off and said to myself that I am a person who can easily cope with changes and still enjoy life. I recently counted and I have realized that 100 days have passed. I must say, it has been a rollercoaster ride. I enjoy rollercoasters, nonetheless. But this one is different. It’s not entirely just a mixture of exhausting and exhilirating… It also includes tremendous amounts of other relevant emotions.
During my first few months of living and working as an English teacher in Vietnam, I haven’t really felt the symptoms of homesickness. I am always eager to explore, travel, and immerse myself in their culture and environment. My heart is quenched with new learning and experiences. I have always wanted to maximize my time and opportunity to be here.
Then, just this August, aka my birth month… Everything just kicks in. I’m sentimental. Birthdays are kind of a big deal for me. Alas, in here I have been struck with the eye-opening fact that I am just a nobody. I exist but only as a normal person that people get to encounter in our equally monotonous lives. I never thought it would be this sad to actually be alone on my special day. Only a handful of people know that it’s your birthday… and that’s it. It’s still just a good ol’ ordinary day of work. I even shared it to one of the milktea shop owners near my house because they have a promo for birthday celebrants haha. I just pointed to the picture of cake and balloons in their menu since it’s all written in Vietnamese but I kinda understood that it means discount. 😀 It somehow made my day, when she tried to speak in English and say a lively “Happy Birthday” as she handed my milktea and my change.
I gotta admit that there are nights wherein I would just burst into tears. I miss my family and my friends so much. I have a few friends and acquaintances in here, but it’s still different. I don’t really reveal much about my loneliness to the people at home, though. I just want to avoid any unwanted comments such as “If you can’t do it, then maybe you should just go home” or anything similar to that. It’s definitely not motivating and worsens or invalidates my feelings. And because I live in a province here, I also miss the convenience of living in the city all my life. Our house in the Philippines is situated 15 minutes away from three malls. Whenever I feel bored, I need to meetup with a friend, or just simply want/need something, I can just go to any of those malls right away. Now, I am at least two hours away from the things that I got accustomed to. Plus, it’s not easy to go there back and forth due to the limited transportation options. I have come to realize that the things deemed as tiring for city-dwellers could actually be hard to live without. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I probably miss the stress caused by the hustle and bustle of the city. I am not used to the simple and laid-back provincial life.
My heart is aching as well for the events and gatherings I have missed, been missing, and will probably miss in the future. I started comparing my life before and now. My hometown is too fond of pop culture so there are many events lined up for that. I work for eight hours but it’s from 7AM to 4:30PM. I still have time to attend whatever sparks my interest since it’s usually scheduled at 6PM onwards. The usual problem I encounter back then is the insane traffic, the amount of work I need to do even when I go home, and of course, the money needed to pay for tickets, items, etc. On the other hand, now that I am working overseas, I have a lighter workload, lesser number of working hours, higher salary, and a whole lot of independence. However, most of my classes are usually around 5:45PM to 9PM. And again, I live two hours away from the city where almost everything happens. I can’t believe I’m still missing out on interesting events (which rarely happens here, as I’ve noticed) not because of financial issues but simply due to schedule and proximity problems.
Still, I am learning to accept the fact that we just cannot have everything. We have to sacrifice things in hopes of achieving the better ones in life. So far, I know I have whatever I was yearning for back then. I am blessed enough to be in this situation and maybe these mind-boggling feelings are just obstacles that I need to overcome in order to succeed later on. Do I miss my old life? Yes, I do. Should I just give up and go back to my old way of life? Nah, I don’t think I should. I also enjoy my life now. There are just pros and cons to everything. I won’t be able to reach my goals if I keep on longing and clasping onto the past.
I have to move forward. I have to just let things be and believe that someday, everything will fall into place.
R2-D2 