Happier

“When the evening falls
And I’m left there with my thoughts
And the image of you being with someone else
Well, it’s eating me up inside
But we ran our course, we pretended we’re okay
Now if we jump together, at least we can swing
Far away from the wreck we made

Then only for a minute
I want to change my mind
‘Cause this just don’t feel right to me
I wanna raise your spirits
I want to see you smile but
Know that means I’ll have to leave
Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been thinking
I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier…”

-Happier, Marshmello & Bastille

 

The whole song and music video of “Happier” never fails to make me cry every time I watch and listen to it. I feel so vulnerable. I remember my family’s dogs who have already crossed the bridge. They surely made my life happier when I was younger. Dogs can be your actual companion and they can be a quick source of refuge in this cruel world.

Now, I live in a shared house with a Slovakian guy and a French guy. They are nice people. The Slovakian guy owns a dog and I remember the first time I came into this house, his dog just welcomed me and jumped around as if it knows me already. I shared that happening to my friend and she said that it might be a good omen. Honestly, I think it was really a great decision to move here. I enjoy all the privacy and freedom that I can have. I have noticed that it made me feel a bit lazier, though. I do not want to go out so much and I just prefer staying at home rather than meeting my friends for coffee or any meal of the day like I always did last time. Maybe I need this time as well to have all the space that I need to process my thoughts and feelings regarding the current status of the different areas of my life here in Saigon.

My job is a lot better than before. I am well-rested and more motivated to go to work. What makes it more enjoyable is that I can wear what I want, and lately I have been inspired to embrace my femininity by dressing up and always putting on lipstick and huge earrings. I could not really do that before since my previous jobs required me to look simple and/or wear a uniform that just bored me to death. It feels more freeing to face my students and my colleagues knowing that I look good. Aside from that, most of my students are brilliant, the lessons are quite familiar to them already, and I do not feel drained because I am actually encouraged to lessen the TTT (Teacher Talking Time) especially since I teach reading, writing, and listening skills now instead of only focusing on their speaking skill. I realized that I was really unhappy and unmotivated with my job/s before, and it affected my whole life. Nowadays, I can say that I am doing well.

Today I was a guest speaker for an event at the new center. It was about how parents can help their children to learn the language at a young age. I was the only foreigner at the event, and my colleague was there to translate my answers in Vietnamese. I felt nervous at first because I have never been invited to be a speaker for an event like that before, and I feel like I do not have enough qualifications as compared to the other speakers. But it went well, though. I hope that my answers have somehow helped and inspired the parents who attended the event in some way. I also did not expect that I will be paid for doing that since my previous jobs before would always assign extra tasks without an overtime fee. I am glad to say that I am finally getting what I deserve in my career path.

My dating life, though, is still the reason on why I still feel anxious from time to time. Honestly, I have been lying low on going out and trying to meet people to find a potential connection. I stopped browsing my dating app as well. I am truly exhausted. I have been trying to just accept the fact that maybe it is better to just focus on being alone and avoid the judgments of anyone as to why I still do not have a partner right now at 23 years old. I should not pressure myself. I need to take care of myself and keep being safe. I still see that guy I was talking about in my previous posts but it is not official and there is no assurance about anything. I enjoy being with him but it just feels so tiring when you do not know where you stand in someone’s life. I do not want to just keep guessing or keep hoping that someday things will get better between us. But I have read somewhere that in this area of life, some will stay, and some will just fall apart. The wrong guys will eventually weed themselves out. The right one will stay. Have I met him? I absolutely have no idea. For now, I am learning how to surrender to everything. I do not want to control or force anyone to treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated. I am just enjoying my life. I am trying so hard to just be happier. I just want to have a happier life if that is possible.

May everything continue to go well and may things properly fall into place.