Things are gonna get better

“Everybody’s got a time in their life
When everything hurts and nothing’s right.
But you gotta walk on, yeah you gotta walk on.

Everybody’s got a piece of their heart
That’s been stepped on and torn apart.
But you gotta be strong, yeah you gotta walk on.

‘Cause I, know, it’s hard to have the strength and,
Sometimes, you can’t get through the day, but,
Things keep floating by like the river in the night.

But I know things are gonna get better,
And I know things are gonna be fine.
And I know things are gonna get better.
Life is gonna get better, yeah we’re gonna be fine.”

– Things Are Gonna Get Better, David Archuleta

It is true. Things are getting better these past couple of weeks. I have tried focusing my energy on improving myself and everything that I can enjoy doing while I am here in Vietnam. This maybe what actual freedom feels like. It is not merely the fact that no one tells me to clean my room or that I go home too late or that I am not allowed to be in a relationship at this age. Instead, it is having the prerogative to do what I want, say what I feel, and simply enjoy the moment instead of worrying too much.

Yes, they said time heals all wounds. I am still slightly feeling down and hurt but it is getting more bearable as I get the hang of things. I invested in reading a lot more and it has been therapeutic. Gaining more knowledge and understanding about the areas of my life that I am currently struggling with makes me feel okay about myself. I am starting to accept that it is okay to make mistakes since it helps me grow. I will never find out if I have not experienced things firsthand. Secondhand experience cannot always be reliable since we have different perceptions and personalities. Sometimes I wonder if it was wrong to quickly ask my friends for advice because it just leads me up to more confusion rather than just trusting my gut, but well, now I know better. It is not wrong to own up to your acts and decisions.

My social life is gradually getting sparked up again. After two months of moving here in the city, I have established a nice rapport with the Vietnamese consultants in my language center. They kept on teaching me a lot of new vocabulary and they always tell me that I learn so fast and that my pronunciation is very accurate. Even my students get surprised that I have only been here in their country for ten months and yet I already know a lot. They said it is rare to see a foreigner who can learn their language the way I do. And in my case, I am learning by just observing their mouths, familiarizing myself with the sounds, reading and then Google translating the words I encounter until I remember them. Oftentimes, they do not expect me to understand them when they talk to each other using their native language, so they get shocked when I answer or butt in to their conversations with the right response. I also wholeheartedly enjoy listening to Vietnamese pop music. Maybe that helps too. We eat and drink tea together more often now. They asked me to give them English names too, and I had to think and search for names and their corresponding meanings depending on how I view their personalities. They saw my pictures on Facebook and they told me that I am “so deep” in a way that I always act whenever I post for photos and it is a skill. It felt great to hear that. I admit that I am always a model-wannabe, which is why I enjoy posing for photos in the best way I can.

I also get to hangout with my Filipino colleagues lately. Usually, they are so busy with part-time jobs or other tasks that are more important, but these past few days, they have been inviting me to go out for lunch or dinner. It feels good to talk to them because we get each others’ situation. We suffer a lot yet we remain resilient. Whenever I hear their stories and I share mine, it feels like my burden gets lighter. I am not alone. We can get through this. They invited me to go window-shopping at a nearby clothing shop. We had fun trying out new outfits and giving each other some honest feedback on what accentuates our features and what doesn’t. It might sound like a terrible idea to spend money on clothes when I already have a lot and I am currently so broke, but retail therapy does work wonders. It is stress-relieving. They gave me advice on what items are worth investing on, such as a nice pair of heels and versatile pants. I also feel like I am getting myself a makeover after undergoing such a heartache. It makes me feel more in touch with my femininity, and it helps me get back on track of how confidently attractive I think I am. We also had a teachers’ meeting lately and it feels good to actively participate in it. I missed being that challenged in my career. It helps me remember where I am good at and how much potential do I really have. I enjoyed being surrounded with my fellowmen too. It feels really comfortable. I wish things like this happened before things went wrong so that I am more in control of my emotions and life events, but then I would not realize all of this if it happened the other way around.

I gained more Vietnamese friends that are willing to be my shock absorber since they actually listen, understand, and help me in easing the pain and hardship that I am going through right now. They told me that I am really good in different ways so I should stop feeling inferior just because a man fails to see my worth. I appreciate them for coming into my life in these dark moments. I really need them because I am a very lonely expat getting lost in Ho Chi Minh city with no one to turn to for help. I went to the book fair with one of them and ended up just trying to translate the Vietnamese words I can read on random book covers since most of the books on sale are in that language. I found a few mainstream English novels but they are still quite expensive for me. My full nerd mode was switched on and I was just rambling about the information I know when I see the novels I have read or books turned into movies. My new friend must have been feeling overwhelmed by it but I think she just finds it funny and interesting that I know so much. I bought trinkets too and I was satisfied. We ate at a vegan restaurant and drank some tea at a convenience store. I am thankful that they spent the time with me so I would not wallow in despair and get consumed by my own thoughts at home again. I figured that I needed to be preoccupied all the time so that my mind would not wander and create too much chaos in my whole being.

There was a new student in class recently. She is thirty-two years old and she recently just got married. She was too curious about me since I obviously look younger than her and yet I am already here, teaching English and also managed to survived eight months of living and working in such a boring countryside. She told me that I am so strong for being able to be where I am right now. She said she admires Filipinos and she even took a picture with me. I do not know if I am subconsciously just showing a melancholic vibe while I was talking to her but she just randomly told me “I’m sorry teacher. Poor you.” and that when she was my age, she was very shy and she was just working very hard all the time. Now, she just got married and she is living a comfortable life. So she said that I should not be sad and that I should not worry. She told me that she is two months pregnant so she often feels hungry so she invited me for dinner after our class. I gladly accepted it since it is better than eating alone and it feels nice to talk to someone and in return, I am helping her improve her language skills.

Life is simpler than what my thoughts make it up to be, right? At least that is what I have come to realize lately. Maybe I am starting to gracefully unload my mental baggage. My heart is not feeling so heavy anymore. Although it makes me feel bad that I kept on thinking about things too much before taking action. I am missing out on opportunities because of fixating on the possible outcomes. I am slowly learning to let loose and just enjoy life. My God, this is how uptight I am. Not just with work, but with everything I do. But so far, I have accepted that I cannot alter the mistakes or “wrong moves” that I made in the past, but I still do have the chance to do the right moves and change for the better. A friend told me that it will all get easier once I get the hang of it. I do hope so. 🙂