“Don’t let them in,
don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel,
don’t let them know
Well now they knowLet it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymoreLet it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care
what they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on…”– Let It Go, Idina Menzel
It’s 2:05AM here in Vietnam. I fell asleep early (9pm) but now I’m awake again. And as usual, my brain is active in its overthinking streak. I checked my WordPress app and found out that there’s no activity or anything happening in this blog lol. No one really gives a crap about my thoughts and experiences hehe. So I guess it’s still kinda safe to just vent out and express some things here…
I must say, though, I am gradually learning to let things go and I prefer to not force anything anymore. I am so vulnerable to stress and most of the time, it’s probably my fault. I put a cloud above my head. I wish I wasn’t this uptight. It’s like I strive for perfection in different aspects of my life all the time and it just hinders me from actual bliss. Anyway, now I have realized that I should stop letting the societal stereotypes, judgments, and cultural norms dictate my actions. Although I know it is quite difficult since most of these things are just ingrained in my whole being, I must try to just do whatever I think is right and whatever makes me feel happy and/or satisfied.
By the way, I haven’t really heard much from my closest Vietnamese friends in the city lately. The Vietnamese guy I was talking about in my previous blog post said that he will inform me about his Christmas dinner party a week before so maybe I could ask for a day off. Until now, I have no idea when is it gonna be but he said that it’s probably gonna be this week. I am still too shy to initiate a conversation especially with the opposite sex. Why am I like this? Ugh. He is my friend and we have talked about a lot of things in person and yet I still could not do it. And I wonder if he really got mad at me for taking a candid photo of him when he made us try his homemade cheesecake. I did it since it’s really a nice thing and I just want a remembrance. I just sent it to him and I didn’t post it anywhere. He gave me a mad reaction on Messenger and just seenzoned it. Fine, if he did not like it then he could’ve just told me directly instead of just plain ignoring and not talking. Was it really a big deal? *sigh* Okay, I will just shrug it off then.
What’s good, though, is that I met another man recently. He is technically from the UK, although he has Bengali roots. The second guy I went on a proper date with. I mean, maybe I shouldn’t really count the time when the Vietnamese guy and I watched Thor then ate Japanese food afterwards since it’s really just a friendly hangout and he invited some other girl to join in that time as well. Although he wanted to pay for the movie and food but I always insisted on paying. Anyway, going back to this new guy… I think that so far, out of all the boys I have encountered in my life, this one is the most forward.
I’ve been having some talks with my friends and our dating lives and we all agreed that men who are direct or forward are better than those who seem so mysterious and secretive. I do not enjoy guessing and playing mind games since I want to know what a person’s real intentions are. He couldn’t stop talking about how “charming” and “endearing” my features are. He notices every little thing too, even the words I usually say. To be honest, I find it really nice but I do not know how to acknowledge it properly rather than saying thank you.
I am so awkward. I am still confused if I am supposed to reciprocate everything he does right away. I mean we just talked online for a few days and then met each other for the first time. Here we go again with my “Maria Clara” mentality which is being too conservative and hard-to-get during the early stages of dating/courtship. I have been exposed to that kind of culturally accepted behavior in my country that I do not know if it’s okay to just negate from it immediately. I keep on saying to myself that if I want to date foreign guys then I should be willing to compromise. My extreme introversion is not helping as well. Although the question is, am I the only one who should do that? I wonder if guys do even a little bit of research about the dating culture in the country where the girl came from. That way, both parties could be more understanding. He’s so sweet but I feel like I’m being too cold and distant. Huhu. I hope he knows that it’s not because I am uninterested, it’s just that I am not yet used to this. Anyway, if he is really sincere then I hope it eventually works out. If not, then it’s alright. I must let it go again.
It’s nearly the end of the year. Hoping for better days and positive plot twists. It’s not too late, right?
R2-D2 